My Travels: Amsterdam

Lesson 45: Always do the New Europe tours
We discovered through our hostel that there are these tips-based free tours that are given in most touristy cities in Europe. They take you all over the city and tell stories that may or may not be true...but I couldn't really care because they're usually entertaining. What's even better is that this company also usually does Bar Crawls, and if you do the tour you get a discount and free shots at the crawl. You also get a pretty sweet t-shirt that says "I survived the Amsterdamned Bar Crawl." I actually didn't though. Luckily for me they gave me the t-shirt at the first bar because after about half of the bars, I got distracted by Burger King and had to give in to the cravings for my go-to Whopper with cheese, no onions...god forbid if there are onions on that burger there will be a scene, and it will not be pretty.

Lesson 46: Don't takes pictures of the hookers
So the hostel we opted to stay at was right in the heart of the good ole "red-light district." Seeing as I can basically recite the entire movie Eurotrip, I did have a general idea of what goes on down there...simple dutch bakeries, Club Vandersexxx, and the likings. Call me naive but I just did not realize how legal prostitution is there. I always kind of assumed that shopping for a hooker would be like shopping for a good fake Louis Vuitton bag in Chinatown...(kind of frowned upon but everyone does it so it's totally okay, you just have to know where to go). Despite my ever-growing knowledge of Eurotrip, I was not mentally prepared for the "how much is that hooooooker in the windowwww??"-esqe showcasing of half-naked women between the ages of 18 and 84. Well, after the tour we did our first day there, my friends and I were taught this lesson. The hookers, despite the ever-revealing nature of their profession, like to remain as anonymous as possible, which is why they don't like pictures being taken of them. If some tourist who just can't get enough decides to go against this unwritten law and photograph one of the hookers, he will most likely be chased by said hooker and have a cup of mystery liquid thrown on him. If he's lucky, it'll just be water. Otherwise it will most likely be urine....(maybe luck isn't the right word here, maybe some people are into that... I don't know....whatever floats your boat). All I'm saying is, I witnessed it from the window of my very own hostel, and it does not look fun.

Lesson 47: Fuck with the creepers
On our second night out or so, a decent looking guy starts talking to me. He said he was from California but was acting extremely weird. He offered to buy me a drink, and I gracefully accepted--watching every move that he and the bartender made whilst my beer was being poured. While we were drinking, he started having the same exact conversation we had already had...how old I was, where I was from etc. Something was clearly off. After a quick run to the bathroom, I returned to find that this guy had bought be another drink. I told him that I was good and that I didn't want another beer, but he was very insistent that I drink it. Something was clearly not right, so when this creepy dude turned away from me to sneeze, I switched our drinks. After a few gulps of that beer and another repetitive conversation, the dude went comatose. I shit you not. His eyes sunk and his face went blank. Jokes on you creepy roofie man.

Lesson 48: Airport security in Amsterdam is seriously slacking
It is now clear to me why that Nigerian chose to fly out of Amsterdam. Airport security there basically does not exist. The sexy airport security guy was too busy eye-fucking me and my friends to notice that one of them managed to accidentally bring a couple of joints back with them. Woops.