Day 3

Lesson 15: Steer clear of the late night Chinese food

I don't really know about anyone else, but after a few drinks all I want is cheap, disgustingly delicious and oily Chinese food. The bar we went to last night was right at the end of Chinatown, so we figured it couldn't be that bad. Clearly, we were wrong. When we walked in there was a sign saying that they wouldn't serve people without an ID.......we later found out they didn't even have a liquor license. Misleading bastards. Strike 1. Once we walked up the 3 flights of stairs to the seating area (they're lucky I enjoy feeling taller and superior to those outside while I eat) I started paging through the menu, only to find NO SESAME CHICKEN, NO CHICKEN AND BROCCOLI, and NO LO MEIN WHATSOEVER. Don't they know that these are the basic staples of the drunk American college student's post-bar diet??? Strikes 2, 3, and 4. I wound up having to get "egg fried rice" (scrambled eggs mixed with plain white rice) and 4 spring rolls which could have easily been someone's deep fried amputated fingers. Oh well.

Lesson 16: Subway sticks to its American roots

My 6 inch turkey on wheat with lettuce tomatoes pickles olives and mayo in London tastes exactly the same as it does at home. And it's still a 6 inch sandwich. Not a 15.24cm sandwich. Delicious. Jared/Michael Phelps would be proud.

Lesson 17: Workers here are not half as selfish as they are in the states, or maybe they're just shitty salespeople

Unlike the pretentious bastards at the Apple store who pretend there is no way to move your music from your iPod to your computer because they don't want you using someone else's freeware (even though they are huge nerds and I'm sure probably wrote that program before they sold out to Apple retail), the people in stores here are more than happy to direct you elsewhere to find something that better suits your needs. There were two different stores that weren't able to give me EXACTLY what I wanted for a cell phone plan. When I asked if there were any other stores that they thought could give me what I wanted, they just pointed me to another store--no attempt to convince me to try something a little different, no lies saying that no one would be able to give me what I wanted. I was NOT used to this. I was so ready for the used car salesman-esque attempt to convince me that what they were selling was what I REALLY needed.

Day 2

Lesson 8: Bring your own shower curtain

So the flat is awesome, don't get me wrong, but if you're going to be including all sheets, towels, and silverware is it too wrong to assume there will be a shower curtain too?? When given rules that the windows always have to be open when showering, and when the window looks directly into the shower itself, I would have appreciated a heads up before coming that I might need to bring my own shower curtain. Clearly the first thing anyone wants to do when they get off of an international plane ride is shower off the stench of stale coffee and airplane lasagna. At least give a bit of warning that I may be unknowingly performing a show for the locals if I don't have the time to get the shower curtain.

Lesson 9: Orientations are a dumb, redundant waste of my time

I understand that some people are incapable of living on their own and figuring out how to wipe their own ass, but that is soooo not my problem. So far we've had two orientations (not counting the orientations we had back at school before we left). The first one on Wednesday was from 10am - 2pm. The second one today was from 10am - 3pm. She decided to be nice and changed tomorrow's orientation from 10am - 12pm to 11am - 12pm. So far we have been given different packets at each orientation, and while I'm sure the information is reeeeeally important, I just don't think it's necessary for us to read through everything together at a rate of roughly 4 words per minute. But that's not even the worst part. She seems a bit confused--she can't decide on an accent. Make up your mind woman!-are you British or are you American???

Lesson 10: Fluorescent lighting isn't conducive to the mitigation of a hangover

Given my flatmates and I have gone to bed each night around 5am, so far each morning I wake up fine. I get up, get dressed (in real clothes!-not just sweats!), brush my teeth, grab something to eat, and we're off to the college where the orientation is. It isn't until we get to the classroom in the building that I start feeling woozy. Between the lighting, the drone of the woman's voice and her offensive assumption of our stupidity, my only real option is to curl up my jacket on the table and faceplant it, softly crying because I know I have to do this again tomorrow.

Note: surprisingly enough I'm actually excited to be writing about things I do during the day, but unfortunately I have been reduced to spending the majority of the daytime hours trapped in that nauseating windowless classroom. So I'll just continue outlining my escapades of the night:

Lesson 11a: Not all Germans are Nazis

While on line for the club we went to last night, Zoo Bar, we happened to be behind two (quite good looking) Germans around our age from a town north of Hamburg (let's just call them German #1 and German #2). I have to admit when I overheard them speaking German the first thing I thought of was "Inglourious Basterds"....("NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!!!".."OH YES YES YES YES YES"). German #2 was a bit tattooed up so I obviously had to indulge my curiosity and ask what the hell they said. He proceeded to ask me if I had ever read the bible....uhhh no? He seemed confused, and then put the pieces together that I was a Jew. Luckily that didn't stop him from hitting on me. Score 1 for the Jews.

Lesson 11b: Germans can dance

It must be all the phenomenal German techno and trance music that these guys grew up listening to, because I have never had the honor of dancing with someone who actually has rhythm until last night. German #2 was also impressed with my extreme knowledge of the Numa Numa song. I was flattered.

On a side note, I got a confirmation of Lesson 5. While dancing with German #2 another guy shamelessly took a grab at something that did not belong to him. Still not cool.

Lesson 11c: Germans prefer cologne to deodorant

But I guess that's Europe for you. Me and German #2 danced for maybe 20 minutes, but that 20 minutes was enough for his BO and Axe-like cologne to seep into my pores and become absorbed into the rats nest that is my hair.

Lesson 12: The French hate Roosevelt Field Mall

When we were leaving the club last night we met a French guy who had studied at Adelphi. He was not impressed with the mecca that is the Roosevelt Field Mall. I was shocked. I mean why go to Adelphi?

Lesson 13: The World Really Is That Small

Met a guy my age named Matt who's studying abroad in London for the semester as well. He goes to Georgetown and went to the same high school as my sister Perri's boyfriend Jake. I was able to stalk him down on Facebook today and find out a last name. It's scary how good I am at that.

Lesson 14: Boys Love The Fabes

My flatmate Fabey-baby is this cute little blonde thing who I absolute love. So far she's 2-for-2 nights in having guys (extremely good looking guys) come up to her in the bars and start talking. The best part is that they usually have hot friends who are then forced to be said guy's wingmen, whereupon they become inundated with my impeccable personality and great sense of humor. She's a keeper.

Day 1

Lesson 1: Always sit shotgun with the driver

On the way from Heathrow to my "flat" I was lucky enough to sit shotgun (on the leftside!!) next to our driver Trevor. Let's just say by the end of the trip we were in love. We bonded over my love for the Whopper and basically fast food in general. He loved that we (me and my roommate Gabby) were cheap dates.

Lesson 2: Phones can get jetlagged

The GoogleMaps application on my phone is taking some time to adjust. For the first 18 hours in London it still thought for some reason that it was in the US. I wasn't able to get directions from my phone until about 5 minutes ago.

Lesson 3: The food may not be that great, but the cheap beer makes up for it

Once all the roommates arrived (Carla from NJ, Alex or "Fabes" from PA, Michelle from TX and Gabby from NY) we went out for our first meal in London. We found this pub down the block from our flat called "Albany" where they had a lunch special- £5 for a sandwich and a pint. I got a "club" which was supposedly chicken and bacon on toasted bread. The chicken wasn't too bad, but the "bacon" was an interesting variety of man-bear-pig...not quite sure what it really was, but I don't appreciate it when rubber poses as bacon. Not cool. If it wasn't for my pint of beer (at 11:30am) I probably wouldn't have continued to eat it. But I did.

Lesson 4: Men in tuxedos in bars are hilarious

We met my roommate Gabby's friend Pam at the bar we were at last night, and she was walking around with a bottle of champagne. Out of nowhere these two men (probably in their 30s), wearing tuxedos come up to us and start talking. Obviously we told them we were in London celebrating Pam's engagement and subsequent bachelorette party...hence the champagne. The older/taller/uglier-version-of-Gerard Butler/pudgier of the tuxedos took a liking to me (obviously) and began talking to me about Scottish poetry...why? I have no idea. He then offered to be my tourguide for London, and gave me his card...I think I'm going to start a collection.

Lesson 5: Middle Eastern men on London dancefloors might as well be rapists

which leads us to lesson 6...

Lesson 6: It's okay to physically assault creepers in bars

Man walks up behind girl. Man grabs girl's ass. Girl turns around and gives man stink eye. Girl turns back around to talk to friends. Man grabs girl's ass again. Girl turns around and says to man, "You grab my ass one more time and you lose a testicle." Man grabs girls face and tries to kiss her. Girl smacks man's hand off her face, then smacks him across the face. Man walks away. The end.

Lesson 7: British cab drivers are much nicer than NYC cab drivers

Not much else to say about that.

That was about it for the first day. I'll try to remember to update tomorrow!